Number 5: Duel before the sun is in the sky.

Once again, these lyrics are so close to how I’m feeling this morning it’s uncanny.  Not only close to how I’m feeling, but I actually got in a brief tiff/argument with a co-worker this morning…as the sun was rising.  I can’t.  Lin-Manuel Miranda, you are a god.

Back to the experiment on hand.  I’m tired again today, but again, I feel that’s more due to the fact that my work day as been from 6:00-21:00 since Wednesday.

I’m feeling really self-conscious today.  Really really…just fat.  I didn’t like the body I saw in the mirror this morning.  I hate days when I feel like this.  I want to crawl into bed and sleep until I love myself again.  Body dysmorphia is a real thing.  That’s not to say that what I’m seeing in the mirror is a distortion of my physical body.  I’m sure it’s actually quite real.  But I understand the struggle with seeing a gross distortion of what you really look like.  I should do some walking.  I’ve been pretty sedentary all week and have indulged in a beer, Chinese food, and some gummy candy.  My water intake has also been pretty low this week.  Getting home so late, I don’t have as much time to drink a lot of water before I fall asleep, and being a teacher, I rarely drink water during the day.  I can’t leave my students alone in the room without a teacher, so my bathroom breaks are few and far between.

Regardless of not liking my physical features today, let’s get back again to the actual experiment.  I’m in a t-shirt and leggings again today.  I could have worn a nice shirt but decided against it.  Friday’s I spend an hour and half in a kitchen with no windows or fans and want to be cool.  My hair is up in a pony tail.  Again, it’s hot in my school and I want to be comfortable.  I also forgot to put mascara on this morning.  I was tired and just sort of threw my hair up and ran out of the house.

My lack of make-up, pony tail, and dislike of my figure is currently combining into an epic battle of self-consciousness.  Normally, if my hair is in it’s usual bun, and I’m dressed and feeling similarly, I can say to myself, “Ok.  This is a bad day. Don’t worry though.  Your body is probably just in your head, and the rest of you looks how you always look.  No one is saying anything.”  Today however, I am convinced that everyone is talking about me.  I’ve been relatively put together all week and all of a sudden, I’m big, tired, and messy.  I’ve seen the way a lot of my co-workers react when my other co-workers, who typically wear make-up every day, don’t wear mascara for the day.  “Are you sick?”  “You don’t look so good.”  “You look bad today.”  “Oh.  Today you are tired.”  I work in a place where people feel they are entitled to say whatever they want.  And they do so.  Without qualm. I don’t ever want to feel like that.  I want to feel good and sassy and pretty (or sexy depending on the context), when I make myself up.  But I also want to feel comfortable and confident when I don’t.  Instead, today, I have this uneasy feeling in my stomach.  This, “You shouldn’t have forgotten.  You look gross.” feeling that won’t go away.  Maybe it’s because of the experiment.  I’m hyper aware of my feeling surrounding getting done up and looking put together, so maybe that’s effecting my ability to process or let go of the fact that I’m not feeling so great about myself today.   I’m not sure.

As always, I’ll chronicle any comments from the peanut gallery and we’ll continue the experiment on Monday with curly hair.

Update:

No one said anything to me again today, except my principal.  I had an unexpected meeting with my principal the last period of the day (everything is fine, thanks for asking).  I walked in, and as has become her fashion over the last few months, the first thing she said was, “Have you lost weight?”.  She reminds me of my grams every time she does that (that’s where the comparison ends).  My grams, every time I saw her, regardless of fact, would always tell me she thought I lost weight.  God rest that woman’s beautiful soul.

Nothing so exciting today.  Monday here I come.

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